The worst nightmare ever.
As I got up for school one day, Ive could have sworn that my fan was singing to me. And I could hear hail pounding my roof like they were fully loaded mini-vans. As I went to the bathroom, I thought I had the sun for my hallway light. And then I heard a very faint whisper Wake up
wake up
wake up
but I couldnt make it out, so I just ignored it. Then when I was in the kitchen, the sound of the hail got a little louder each time I crunched on the cereal. So I went to my moms room to tell her to check the news just to see if school got cancelled, but she wasnt there. It was like she hasnt been here for eternity, or never here at all. It was a big empty room that looked like it hadnt been used for ages. I went to tell my brother that mom was gone but when I entered my room there was only a single bed and at least half of the stuff that was originally there was gone. Just gone. And thats when I started to freak out.
I began to tell myself that this was either a dream or it was really happening. Hopefully a dream. But I didnt wake up, and I tried to pinch myself a few times but nothing changed. The only similar thing that was still here was me. I havent changed one bit. But everything else was different, my friends, the house, my family, even the backyard was different. I heard the familiar faint whisper again. It was a little louder than before but I still couldnt make it out because of the hail. I went back to my room to change my clothes and I reached for my shirt where usually Jake (my brother) puts it, but it wasnt there. Then I remembered that I didnt have a brother right now so I just got my clothes myself. I packed up my things and went to school.
Since there was no one to drive me to school, I drove myself even though I dont even have a learners permit. While I was driving, I could barley see through the windshield because of the rain and hail. The clock said 7:20. Oh no! Im going to be late for class I said as I realized that I overslept because usually my mom or my brother wakes me up. I pulled up in any parking space that was available
wait, theyre all empty! I parked the car and went inside. Ho-ly-crap. The entire school was empty! Usually around 7:30, the school would be bustling with students, but it was completely empty
empty
empty (echo here). Then the hail got louder and louder and then the roof collapsed and things went bad.
Hail and rain started pouring in the school building and went everywhere in seconds. I was terrified and ran outside to avoid the flood. I ran to the car and started it up and drove away as fast as I could. But before I could leave the parking lot the flood roared out of the school and started chasing me. A few minutes later, I had hidden from the flood and went in the other direction. I tried to start the car again, but it wouldnt start this time. I heard the flood coming back, and I made a break for it. The hail pounding at me and the rain in my eyes made it hard for me to see where I was going. Then I looked and I saw the sky develop a wormhole and a huge, shadowy black figure with piercing red eyes appeared and it said in a deep, scary tone I
I will consume
consume all. Then I heard that faint whisper again Wake up
wake up
wake up
And I jumped nearly out of my pants when that whisper turned into a really loud WAKE UP!
All of the sudden I was in my bed with a bright light in my eyes and my brother was telling me to wake up. When he saw that my eyes were open he told me to get up in his usually aggressive tone. I looked around and everything was back to normal. Everything was back. I went to see mom and she was lying in bed watching TV. She saw me in the doorway with my face dripping with tears. She asked me what was wrong and all I said was I now know that I will miss you so much when youre gone. I came over to her and gave her a big hug and didnt release her for several minutes. When I did, she said to me I know, I know. I just lie there, weeping, and she kept rubbing her hand through my hair.













Comments
As for the piece itself...
You quickly establish a dark, dreamlike tone to your writing, which impressed me. I've heard several people describe their dreams, and this is extremely similar to those descriptions. However, the grammar mistakes spread throughout it frequently interrupted my reading. Although some may have been excused as being part of a stream-of-conciousness style, there were still too many problems to ignore. Work on your grammar.
Overall, I see great potential in your ability to establish tone, but your grammar is in need of heavy exercise and correction. Keep at it, and I'm sure you'll iron out the problems.
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